


Party, Part 2: The Return of Old Gregg

by The_Mirrorball_Suit



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Based on the deleted scenes, Boosh Secret Santa 2020, Howard Moon: Man of Action, M/M, Old Gregg can do magic now, Party alternative ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:06:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28058895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Mirrorball_Suit/pseuds/The_Mirrorball_Suit
Summary: Party alternative ending based on the deleted scenes. What would have happened if Old Gregg saw the kiss on the roof?
Relationships: Howard Moon/Old Gregg, Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Comments: 6
Kudos: 12
Collections: Boosh Secret Santa 2020!





	Party, Part 2: The Return of Old Gregg

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CharryWotter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharryWotter/gifts).



> Secret Santa fic for CharryWotter. I've tried to include both prompts- Alternative aftermath of Party and Howard accidentally saving Vince. All dialogue in italics taken directly from Mighty Boosh s03e05 Party. This is my first fic and I had a lot of fun writing it, so I hope you like it! Merry Booshmas!!

Outside the Nabootique, Old Gregg lurked in the shadows, listening to the conversation happening inside. A party? Tonight? This could be the perfect opportunity to finally get his hands on Howard Moon. All he needed to do was get into the party… but not as himself, he’d be caught too quickly. The pencil case girl left the shop, and Gregg had a brainwave.  
“Hi there.”  
It was lucky he’d learnt a few bits of magic over the years, but then again this wasn’t the first time he’d had to move unnoticed in a crowd of humans. And possession spells were fairly simple.  
****  
Disguised as he was, Bollo let him straight in, barely sparing him a second glance as he pushed past Bob Fossil. As he slipped into the party, he saw his Howard running up the stairs looking panicked, before climbing through the skylight. He looked so adorable scared. It reminded Gregg of the boat times. Maybe it would be better to wait a bit before approaching him though. He knew from experience that Howard could be a bit skittish when he was scared. It made him more likely to do silly things like run off (swim off?) in a submarine. And he didn’t want to draw attention to himself right away. Best scope out the party first, maybe find a nice bottle of Baileys...  
As he watched, another man came running up the stairs. He looked familiar, big eyes, fabulous hair… he was the one who’d stolen his Howard away! Well, he’d be stealing Howard back sir! He frowned as the sparkly man followed Howard up to the roof. Something was fishy about this scenario. Something other than him for once. He’d get a better view from outside.  
****  
 _“Hi”_  
 _“Hi. What are you doing here?”_ Howard was slumped miserably against the chimney.  
 _“Head shaman’s gone mental. Thinks I got off with his wife.”_ Vince scrambled up to sit next to Howard on the roof ledge. _“He’s gonna chop my head off. What are you doing here?”_  
 _“I’m in hiding, aren’t I.”_  
 _“What?”_  
 _“I’m hiding from the shame, the embarrassment that is my birthday party.”_  
 _“Come on Howard. It doesn’t matter that you’re a virgin. It’s fine. Women respect that, they don’t mind that you’ve not gone beyond the kiss.”_  
Howard looked away and said nothing.  
 _“You’ve never kissed anyone, have you?”_  
 _“So?”_ Howard snapped.  
 _“Have you ever held anyone’s hand?”_  
Old Gregg, standing in the garden below, grinned. He’d held hands with Howard! He’d held hands with him all the way from the boat to the cave, so he could pull him through the water. Surely that counted, even if Howard was unconscious?  
 _“I don’t like people touching me, okay? Anyway, I’ve had deeper relationships in my mind, at a distance, than you’ve ever had in your lifetime, you know that?”_  
 _“Are you talking about the incident with the binoculars?”_  
 _“That was never proved, ok?”_  
 _“It was in the Guardian.”_  
 _“Look. I don’t flit about. I don’t play the field. Alright? When I make that leap across the physical boundary, it will be forever sir!”_  
Yes! Howard Moon would be his forever! Everything Old Gregg had ever wanted.  
Suddenly Dennis appeared through the window, sword drawn.  
 _“Ah, there you are, you prancing kingfisher. Prepare to die!”_ Vince wasn’t prepared to die, not at all.  
 _“Yeah, look, mate, I’m not interested in your wife, we were just standing in a cupboard together.”_  
 _“Just in the cupboard with an extreme sports calendar model, I don’t think so.”_  
 _“Honestly, I’m not interested in your wife, I’m in love with someone already!”_ If Dennis wouldn’t believe the truth, Vince would have to convince him to believe a lie.   
_“The lies of a backtracking worm.”_ Dennis sneered, sword held at the ready.  
 _“I’m in love with Howard!”_ Vince mentally crossed his fingers. Please play along, please play along, please...  
 _“Oh, yeah, we’re in love.”_ He deflated slightly. He knew it was a lie, but did Howard really have to sound so depressed about it?  
 _“Prove it.”_  
Vince launched himself at Howard in a desperate kiss. Dennis pulled a disgusted face, but little did they know he wasn’t the only one watching them.   
_“Gonna have to go away and rethink a few basic principles. Bye!”_ Dennis vanished back through the skylight, leaving the two men alone on the roof.  
But Old Gregg was still watching from the garden, and he didn’t like what he was seeing. “Howard is mine! He deserves a nice scaly man-fish, not that glitter-idiot. Old Gregg will save ya Howard!” He vowed quietly. He’d planned how to get into the party, now he just needed a plan for how to get Howard away from the sparkly tit. The voices up on the roof caught his attention again.

_“Thanks Howard.”_  
 _“Thank you. Thank you for the gift of love.”_  
 _“It was just a kiss!”_  
 _“A light went on in my head then. You have flicked my switch baby!”_  
 _“Look, Howard, you’ve got to stop falling for people when they give you the slightest bit of affection.”_  
 _“Don’t pretend you don’t love me.”_  
 _“Love?”_  
 _“Oh yes.”_  
No! Howard couldn’t fall in love with him. Old Gregg did not lose. He’d have to get rid of Vince, the Great Confuser, then Howard would stop being confused and realise who he was really in love with. This was not good. They were already playing love games, Vince pretending not to love Howard. He needed to act fast.  
 _“Howard, you’ve gone mad.”_  
 _“That’s what this is all about!”_  
 _“No it isn’t.”_  
 _“Me and you!”_  
 _“What do you mean me and you?”_  
 _“The arguing, the bickering, it’s all because of the sexual tension._ _The deep powerful molten sexual tension that’s been brewing up between us.”_ Howard’s voice was steadily rising in volume.  
 _“I don’t think it was.”_  
 _“Yes. You’ve shown me the way!”_ Howard climbed unsteadily to his feet.  
 _“You’re gonna fall Howard!”_ Vince tried to pull him back down, to no avail.  
 _“You’ve given me the keys.”_  
 _“The keys to what?”_  
 _“The keys to a whole new kingdom. A whole new kingdom of gaydom. I’m a gay! I’m a massive gayist! Whoo!”_ By now Howard was yelling into the night, one arm wrapped around the chimney for balance and the other waving for emphasis.  
 _“Pucker up!”_  
Old Gregg ducked back inside as the pair crashed down from the roof onto the bouncy castle. Seducing Howard would have to wait until he’d got rid of his rival. He needed a new plan.  
Searching the party, he found a girl in a genius sparkly jacket who he thought might capture Vince’s attention and possessed her instead, leaving the pencil case girl a little confused.  
Old Gregg grabbed the girl’s hand and pulled her outside to keep Howard distracted while he dealt with Vince.  
****  
 _“You could have wrapped it!”_  
 _“How cool is this?”_  
Howard was grinning and looking at Vince like a fool. Now was his moment! He pushed the pencil case girl out of the door, knowing how easily Howard’s affections could be transferred. After all, he’d been the victim of his fickleness once before.  
 _“Howard, hi.”_  
 _“Hi!”_  
Perfect. Howard’s attention was no longer on Vince.  
 _“Happy birthday.”_  
 _“Thank you, you came back!”_  
 _“Yeah.”_  
 _“Er, yeah, sorry, what’s going on here?”_  
 _“She came back!”_  
Howard looked so excited, imagine how happy he would be when Old Gregg came back!  
 _“Yeah? Did she? Great! I thought you loved me.”_  
 _“Yeah, that was a momentary lapse.”_  
 _“Listen fiddler on the roof, we kissed up there!”_ Vince pointed angrily at the roof.  
 _“Keep it under your hat, yeah? What goes on the roof stays on the roof.”_  
Old Gregg smiled. His plan was working.  
 _“Maybe I should leave you two alone.”_  
 _“Yeah, you’re getting it. We’re having a few relationship problems, maybe you could nick off and get some twiglets.”_  
 _“Don’t go anywhere, wait there.”_ He turned to face Vince.  
 _“Vince, you’re a great guy, but the timing was off.”_  
 _“Unbelievable. I’ve never been chucked in my entire life and now I’m being chucked by you?”_  
 _“Come on, you’ll find someone else.”_ Howard tried to place a comforting hand on his shoulder.  
 _“I’ll never love again!”_ Vince shrugged the hand away.  
And that was Old Gregg’s cue. He adjusted the jacket for maximum sparkle and wandered out into the garden.  
 _“Hi.”_  
 _“Hey Howard, forget it, I’m over you.”_  
 _“Care to bounce?”_  
After a few minutes of bouncing and crimping on the bouncy castle, Old Gregg hinted to Vince that they should go back into the flat. Vince led him by the hand to his and Howard’s shared bedroom and they went inside. Gregg pushed him down onto Howard’s bed and removed the sparkly red scarf from the girl’s neck.  
“Hang on a minute, this is Howard’s bed. Mine’s the one over there.” Vince tried to get up, but Gregg pushed him down flat again.  
“You don’t recognise me, do ya? I’m Old Gregg, glitter-boy. And I’m gonna kill ya like I killed Curly Jefferson and leave ya as a present for my Howard! I’m gonna bring him in here and surprise him and then he’ll fall in love with Old Gregg and we can go back to Black Lake and get married!”  
“You’ve gone wrong!” Vince struggled, but Old Gregg pinned him down and used the scarf to tie his arms to the bedposts. Old Gregg stopped possessing the girl. She’d served her purpose well, and by this point the shaman would be so drunk he wouldn’t need to be inconspicuous to sneak around the party. He steered her out of the door and back into the party, knowing she wouldn’t remember a thing.  
“Howard!” Vince tried to scream for help, but Gregg clamped a hand over his mouth. He probably wouldn’t be heard over the noise of the party anyway, but Gregg wasn’t taking any chances.  
“Shhh. Quiet now, shiny man. Just stare into my downstairs mix-up.” He flashed his mangina and Vince was knocked unconscious by its light.  
The plan was going well. Now he just needed some sort of weapon…  
****  
Back outside, Howard and the pencil case girl were still on the bouncy castle, though most of the guests had now made their way back into the flat.  
“So, what’s your name? I can’t keep calling you the pencil case girl!” Howard did finger guns. “Pencil case girl, that’s one of mine. Because I tried to sell you a pencil case this morning, remember?”  
“I- don’t know. It’s like everything from my memory after this morning is fuzzy. I’m Diva.” She winced, putting a hand to her head. The more she thought about her patchy memories, the more of a headache she got.  
“Hey, whoa, are you alright?” Howard caught her as she stumbled sideways with the motion of the bouncy castle.  
“I think I need to sit down. I feel dizzy all of a sudden.”  
“Come with me, I’ll find you somewhere quiet.” Howard struck a Man of Action pose and offered his arm, leading her inside. He’d hoped to find a quiet corner of the living room, but the flat was in chaos.  
Saboo and Tony were still fighting over who would DJ next, resulting in a horrid clash of noise as records were played simultaneously. Naboo was flying around the room on Bollo’s shoulders, singing very out of tune, and Dennis was doing… something with a sword; Howard wasn’t sure if it was dancing, limbo or preparation for another murderous rampage.  
“I apologise for the forwardness, but we’d better go to my room. The noise in here would be enough to give anyone a headache.” She nodded faintly as he led her round the edge of the crowd.  
He swung open the door, eyes still a little dazzled from the lights in the main room and saw a figure laid on his bed. The rudeness! Having a nap in someone’s bed without even asking them first? Well he would give them a piece of his mind, yes sir!  
“Excuse me? Yeah, hi. This lady needs to sit down, so if you could kindly scoot? Thanks.”  
When he got no response from the figure on his bed, he strode closer, leaving Diva leaning weakly against the wall. “Excuse me!” He placed a hand on his shoulder and rolled him over. “Vince?!”  
Vince came to and his eyes widened. “Howard! Howard it’s Old Gregg! The girl’s Old Gregg! He’s trying to kill me!”  
“Whoa there, slow down. What girl?”  
He tried to sit up, before realising his hands were still tied to the headboard with the scarf.  
Howard quickly undid the knots, thankful he paid attention in Scouts all those years ago, and Vince stood up, rubbing his sore wrists. Together they helped Diva to lie down on Howard’s bed, where she promptly fell asleep.  
****  
Just then, Old Gregg burst back through the door, wielding a kitchen knife which he had inexplicably taped to the sweeping end of a broom. “Get him Howard!” Vince ducked behind his broad Northern back, like he always did when there was danger. Leftover instinct from the jungle- find someone bigger to protect you. Even though in Howard’s case it rarely did any good, as he wasn’t much of a fighter.  
“Howard! My Howard! Don’t you worry, Old Gregg’s come to find ya, and we’re gonna go back to Black Lake and get married! I’m gonna kill the sparkly one as a wedding present for ya, then you won’t have to be so confused all the time and go running away again. And we’ll be Howard and Old Gregg, funky musical geniuses, together forever.”  
“Whoa now! Slow down a minute there Gregg! I think you’ve got a bit confused. Vince is my best friend. Have you ever even been to a wedding?”  
“I’ve been to an octopus wedding. They had a lot of rings.”  
“I meant a human wedding. Or a human and human-mer-fish-whatever you are wedding.”  
“No.”   
“Right.” Howard started walking towards Old Gregg slowly, hands outstretched, like he was trying to comfort a nervous zoo animal. This was a long shot, but if it worked… He put on his most put-upon expression and adopted a lecturing tone.  
“Well, usually at weddings the groom’s best friend acts as a best man. So you see, if you kill Vince, we wouldn’t ever be able to get married, because we’d have no best man. That’s just how weddings work, Gregg.” He gently reached out and took the broom away from Old Gregg, passing it to Vince.  
“Oh.” Gregg looked down, while Howard flashed a wink at Vince, glad that his ruse was working. He may not be much of a fighter, but Howard Moon could out-lecture anyone, yes sir!  
“And have you booked a venue? It can take quite a long time to find somewhere suitable. And you need to decide on a guest list; the invitations need to be sent out at least a year in advance, and Save the Date cards even before that. Then there’s dress fittings and the cake and the catering and decorations to sort out. Have you decided on a colour scheme yet? Flowers? A band? Weddings don’t just appear overnight you know. You’ll need to choose a bridal party as well. And it’s very bad luck for you to see the groom before the wedding, so I won’t be able to help you. At all”  
“But- don’t you want to have some say in it?” He gave Howard his best puppy-dog eyes, and Howard noticed a disturbing resemblance to Vince.  
“It’s your special day Gregg, and I want it to be exactly how you want. I’ll be happy as long as you’re happy.” He perked up again.  
“Old Gregg’s got a lot of organising to do then. Don’t you worry Howard, I’ll make sure everything gets set up for the best wedding ever.”  
“Yeah, just let me know when everything’s done and I’ll be there.”   
And he climbed out of the window and down the drainpipe, muttering something about anemone arrangements. He waved up at Howard and Vince.  
They waved back, then as soon as he was out of sight broke out in a fit of giggles.  
****  
“Thanks Howard. Who knew your obsessive need to over-plan everything would actually come in useful for once?”  
They walked back into the living room, closing the bedroom door gently behind them, to find it in an even greater state of depravity than before. Saboo and Tony had given up on fighting over the DJ decks in favour of drunken snogging on the sofa, leaving them to Kirk, who was doing something unmentionable to a record. Bob Fossil had eventually managed to sneak in and was waving his nipple tassels in everyone’s faces.  
Howard clapped a hand over his eyes. He did not need to see that.  
“What have you idiots done now?” Naboo wandered over to them.  
“Old Gregg tried to kill me!” Vince shouted indignantly.  
“Is that why you’ve got a knife taped to a broom?”  
“Oh yeah!” Vince had forgotten he was still holding it.  
“How do you always know when we’re in trouble anyway?”  
“My shaman senses tell me. It’s usually less hassle to save you than it would be to train new employees.”  
“Well you were nearly too late this time! Howard had to rescue me.”  
Naboo snorted. “Unlikely.”  
“No, he really did! Got rid of Gregg with nothing more than the patented Moon lecturing.”  
“Oh, sorry. My shaman senses don’t work as well when there’s a lot of noise. Too much interference.”  
“You were the one causing most of the noise! Last I looked, you were flying round the room on Bollo’s shoulders singing Defying Gravity!” Vince wished he’d got it on camera, it would have been well hilarious, but he'd been slightly distracted at the time by the fish-man dragging him into his room.  
“Oh yeah.” Naboo nodded vaguely. “Forgot about that.”  
Howard rolled his eyes, trying to get the conversation back on track. “So, what do we do about Old Gregg? I’ve managed to buy us some time while he plans the wedding, but I don’t know how long it will last.”  
“Oh, right. Here.” Naboo waved his hands and a puff of glittery smoke drifted out of the window. “Basic confusion spell. Should make him completely forget about both of you.” He wandered off back into the madness of the party.  
“And you couldn’t have done that after the first time!?” Vince shouted after him, but got no reply.  
“Shall we go outside?” Howard suggested.  
Vince nodded. He didn’t really feel like sticking around to see what other horrors a party full of drunk shaman could produce.  
****  
They went and sat on the bouncy castle, neither of them in a partying mood any more. They could see the shaman through the window, but mutually decided it would be best not to look.  
“You ok little man?”  
“Yeah.”  
They were quiet for a moment.  
“I just-”  
“Why did-”  
“You first.”  
“I just wanted to say thanks. For saving me.”  
“That’s what we do, isn’t it? One gets into trouble, gets rescued by the other.”  
“Yeah, that’s how the show works.”  
Both glance briefly at the fourth wall.  
“Why did Old Gregg think we were a couple?”  
“I think he saw us. On the roof. And he probably heard you, screaming your gayness into the night.” Howard cracked a slightly embarrassed smile.  
“I think I was a bit confused little man. Everything happened so fast, with the game and the shaman and the kiss and the girl and Old Gregg and-”  
“Are you confused now?”  
“What?”  
Vince leaned across and kissed him softly, just for a second, before pulling back and studying his face. Howard smiled.  
“I’m not confused at all little man.” Howard reached out and pulled him into a deeper kiss.  
****  
"When you are the moon, you can only see what happens outside, because the roofs block everything else.  
So you can only ever see half of the story, and trying to hear people in space is really hard, because sound can't travel through the vacuum.  
It gets quite annoying actually, because I miss everything.  
I’m the moon!"

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
